Firm Generously Gives Staff Mandatory Employment Entitlements for Christmas — Except for Urgent Matters

10 December 2025

SYDNEY — Staff at Whitlam, Grange & Phelps have expressed gratitude after the firm announced it will be “generously” allowing employees to take their mandatory Christmas employment entitlements this year, subject to the minor condition that nobody treats them as time off.

In a firmwide email sent at 11:46 p.m. on a Sunday and flagged HIGH IMPORTANCE, management confirmed that all staff are “encouraged to disconnect and recharge” over the shutdown period, provided they remain contactable, online, and capable of producing polished advice within 30 minutes “in the event of urgent matters.”

The firm’s policy defines “urgent matters” as “anything a partner suddenly becomes aware of after two proseccos at a client lunch,” including contract mark-ups, vaguely-worded emails from CEOs, and “one quick call” that turns into a two-hour strategy meeting where everyone politely agrees to do more work.

One senior associate, speaking from a family barbecue while refreshing their inbox, described the initiative as “very generous for a law firm.” “Last year they only gave us the entitlements emotionally,” the associate said. “This year they’ve confirmed we can actually take them, so long as we keep working.”

HR praised the announcement as “a meaningful wellbeing milestone,” noting that staff may also utilise the firm’s Employee Assistance Program during the shutdown, particularly once they realise the “Christmas leave” roster is actually a spreadsheet titled Availability (Preferred, Not Guaranteed).

Partners have reassured the team they will also be taking leave, primarily by sending emails from the beach beginning with “Sorry, just a quick one,” and ending with “No rush,” immediately followed by: “Actually, can we turn this around tonight?”

At press time, the firm had further demonstrated its festive generosity by adding a new auto-reply template: “I am currently on leave. If urgent, please contact me directly.”

In a world where bleach bottles warn not to drink them, I’m legally compelled to note this is satire.