Firmwide ALL CAPS Email Confirms Ageing Consultant Hit Pub for Lunch

 8 April 2026

SYDNEY — A firmwide reply-all email sent mid-afternoon has confirmed that former equity partner turned consultant Michael Reeves, 72, attended the pub for lunch, consumed approximately six glasses of red wine, and then attempted humour in response to a routine HR announcement.

The original email, circulated shortly before midday, outlined minor updates to leave approval procedures.

At 3:42pm, Reeves replied to all 417 staff.

“i ASSUME THIS IS WHERE WE LOG THREE MARTINI SICK LEAVE,” the email began.

Sources confirmed Reeves had been at The Crown & Ledger since shortly after noon, where he was observed ordering red wine “without reviewing options” and asking whether the bill could be “put through the usual way” before pausing.

“He still asks every time,” said one junior lawyer. “There is no usual way anymore.”

Bar staff confirmed Reeves spent much of the lunch seated alone, alternating between a leather notebook and what he described as “client strategy”, at one point underlining the word “relationship” three times.

Following the meal, Reeves moved to the rear laneway for a cigar, before returning to the office appearing “visibly flushed, lightly smoked, and increasingly certain of his position”.

Colleagues confirmed he went directly to his desk and began typing immediately.

“He uses one finger on each hand,” said an associate.
“And holds down shift the entire time.”

IT later confirmed caps lock was already engaged.
Recipients noted the email became “progressively less suited to a 400-person audience” as it continued.

“He wasn’t really joking,” one graduate said. “He was explaining how lunches work.”
Another staff member reported that Reeves appeared to be “reconstructing a business development model that no longer exists”.

Colleagues noted Reeves cut his teeth in the 1980s, when long lunches were routine, widely expensed, and only later disrupted by the introduction of fringe benefits tax.
Despite retiring from equity, he is understood to continue operating under what he refers to as “original settings”.

A small number of senior partners described the message as “directionally accurate”.
The remaining 400 recipients did not.
At 3:58pm, Reeves sent a follow-up.

“i NOTE SOME CONFUSION,” it read.
“i AM HAPPY TO DISCUSS INDIVIDUALLY”
“OVER LUNCH”

He is understood to have left the building shortly thereafter, noting he would be “more productive offsite”.

 This article is satire and, like the email, should not have been sent to everyone.