New “Lawyer Flexitime” Lets Staff Work Whenever They’re Already Miserable 

3 December 2025

SYDNEY — In a bold step toward modern workplace reform, Cartwright & Dull LLP this week proudly announced the introduction of “Lawyer Flexitime,” a program designed to let staff work whenever they are already at their lowest ebb emotionally. 

Partners explained the move as “forward-thinking” and “innovative,” stressing that the new arrangement recognises the need for flexibility in a profession where misery can strike at any hour of the day or night. “For too long, lawyers have been shackled to a 9-to-11 schedule,” said Managing Partner Richard Holloway. “Now, if you’re feeling crushing despair at 3 a.m. on a public holiday, you can log straight in and make it billable.” 

Associates welcomed the program with cautious optimism. “It’s good to know that when I’m already crying in the car park on a Sunday morning, the firm values that time as ‘productive hours,’” said one junior lawyer, who asked not to be named for fear of being assigned another due diligence folder. 

The HR team emphasised that the new policy is part of a wider wellness initiative, including complimentary therapy sessions with the firm printer when it jams and a half-day leave option for anyone experiencing existential dread after a client meeting. 

Meanwhile, partners insisted they too will embrace the new scheme, promising to remain available to berate associates during “flexible” hours such as Christmas lunch, wedding anniversaries, and funerals. 

The program will be trialled for six months, or until morale improves, whichever comes first. 

If coffee cups need to say ‘contents may be hot,’ I suppose I must tell you this is satire